A Toast Gone Kablooey
by TheCatWithTheHat
Summary: It's Renji and Rukia's big day, and Byakuya is connived into toasting them...well, let's see how well he can hold his alcohol. Chapter 2 is up! COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Having a hard time stopping myself from publishing more one shots. This was inspired by Operation Juice Box by Lacrimosa Cruentus Luna. (So read it.) Slight RenRuki. WARNING Very OOC!**

**Disclaimer: All Bleach characters and property belong to Tite Kubo and Viz media, blah blah blah. **

"Aw, come on, Captain. It's my wedding! You could at least toast me!"

Byakuya Kuchiki sighed and shook his head. "I don't drink, Lieutenant Abarai. As you very well know."

"Come on, Nee-san," Rukia said. "For me?"

Byakuya sighed. There was no way he was getting out of this now. Looking at his glowing sister and his vice-captain, he thought again what a mismatched couple they were. Renji's headband wasn't even clean. He sighed and stood, accepting a glass of _sake_ from a waiting server.

"Fine," he said. "Well, everyone here knows that Rukia was adopted into my family a year after her sister, my wife, Lady Hisana, died. Despite the fact that she was raised in the Rukongai, she quickly learned the ways of the noble families. And…I have never once regretted her joining our family. I couldn't ask for a more responsible man to be her husband. Well, maybe you," he said, gesturing at the Quincy, who blushed furiously and pushed up his glasses. "But since you're not a Soul Reaper, you're not eligible. Sorry."

No one laughed. "Anyway…" Byakuya said. He raised his glass. "To Abarai Rukia."

"TO RUKIA!" everyone shouted. Byakuya raised the glass to his lips. He took a sip, the _sake_ sliding down his throat. He sat abruptly as Ichigo stood to toast.

"Well, everyone here knows that if it wasn't for me, Rukia probably wouldn't be here now," he began. Everyone laughed. "And if it wasn't for her, she wouldn't be here now either. I owe just about everything to you," he said, and nodded toward her. "And let's not forget the red pineapple!"

Everyone laughed and raised the glasses again. More _sake_ made its way past Byakuya's lips as person after person toasted the newly married couple. He fought for control over the alcohol, but more and more people stood…How many people were there? His vision began to get fuzzy, and his head spun. Finally, his control slipped. He fell off the edge of sober and into the precipice of drunk.

**!**

Renji gazed down at his wife as Chad sat. His toast had been very short and to the point, and after the clapping died down, he waited to see who would stand next.

To his absolute horror, it was his captain. His cheeks were red, and he was swaying a little bit.

Rukia sat up. "Byakuya! Are you…?"

Byakuya smiled. A large, wide, smile. The little titters that had erupted at his appearance died away. "Are the toasts over yet, Rukia?" he asked her, his voice shaking. "Because I think it's time to start dancing!"

"Byakuya, my man!" Captain Kyoraku stood on the other side of the table. "So you've finally come to the dark side? Well, it was about time. How about it, boys?" he called to Shūhei and Kira, who stood and walked off to the DJ table.

Renji stood and all but ran around the table to his new brother-in-law. "Kuchiki-_taicho_! Please, you're drunk. Sit down. Maybe we should open the _Senkai-mon_ –"

"NO!" Byakuya boomed, swatting Renji away. "I feel like dancing! I ain't going home yet! The party hasn't even started!"

Renji glanced at Rukia, who was mouthing the words _I ain't going home yet_. "Yeah, Byakuya," she said, standing decisively. "You need to go home."

"_NO!" _yelled Byakuya. "I am the head of the Kuchiki clan! I can do what I please!"

Behind them, Shūhei and Kira had started playing music, taking recommendations from the words Byakuya had propelled at Renji. "I FEEL LIKE DANCING TONIGHT," All Time Low boomed through the speakers. Shūhei looked up and grinned. Kira was absorbed in his headphones and all the buttons and dials in front of him.

"What is this crap?" Byakuya yelled. "It's got a good beat!"

"American music, sir," said Third Seat Kiyone.

"Radical!" Byakuya said. "Give me that," he added, snatching a bottle from a tray held by a passing server. He put the opening of the bottle to his lips and chugged it down. "What is this crap?" he yelled. "It tastes like...good!"

"Beer, sir," said Third Seat Sentarô.

"Radical!" Byakuya said again. The bottle slipped through his hands and hit the floor, staining the hem of his haori. "Oopsie-daisy," he giggled.

Renji looked at Rukia again. She was now mouthing the words _oopsie-daisy. _"You know what?" she said, now looking at her brother, who was still giggling. "Let's just see what happens with this. Because this is kind of amusing, you know?"

Renji caught Captain Hitsugaya's eye from across the table. They both turned their horrified gazes on Byakuya, who was doubled over laughing. "Depends on your definition of amusing," he murmured quietly.

**!**

"Kyoraku!" Byakuya bellowed. "HEY! KYORAKU! Let's have some more of that, shall we?"

"SOUNDS GREAT, BYAKUYA!" Captain Kyoraku bellowed back. He and Byakuya sloppily clashed glasses and downed the liquid inside. Byakuya staggered, and Kyoraku fell over. Ukitake carefully picked up his friend, and Kyoraku patted the white haired captain heartily on the back.

"Thanks, old friend," he said solemnly, and then fell over again.

Ukitake sighed. "I think you two have had a little too much to drink," he told Byakuya.

"HUH?" Byakuya spluttered. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, OLD MAN? I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!" He drew his sword. Ukitake's eyes widened. "SCATTER! SENBON… Senbon…."

He stopped and scratched his head, almost knocking loose his headpiece. "Huh. I forgot what it was. Weird."

Ukitake breathed a sigh of relief. Luckily, Byakuya was too drunk to ruin his sister's wedding.

Then, Byakuya headed for the dance floor once more. He began doing the Cupid Shuffle. It was painful to watch Ikkaku and Ichigo roaring with laughter at him, so the white-haired captain turned away. Then he heard a loud thump and turned around in horror to see Byakuya crumple to the floor, dead drunk. A small wave of assistants rushed to drag him back home, and Ukitake grinned. Now the party could really get started.

***giggles* R&R! If you want to see his reaction when he wakes up in the morning…just tell me! Haha, this was fun. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay, so I was asked by a lot of people for a second chapter so I kind of thought… you know, what the hell… So here we go. Second (and last) chapter of A Toast Gone Kablooey.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

Byakuya woke the next morning in his bed with no idea how he had gotten there. He attempted to open his eyes but was immediately stopped by the intense pain coming from his forehead.

He cracked open his eyes. Dear Kami, the sun was bright. He slowly slid his eyes over to the curtain, which was firmly closed. Where was that infernal sunlight coming from? He didn't know.

He looked down at himself. He was wearing nothing but his white underrobe.

What had he been _doing_ last night?

He sat up slowly, every movement causing his muscles to creak. Squinting, he groped around on his bedside table for his _kenseikan_, which he immediately secured to his head. A sense of nobility flowed instantly through him, and was instantly pushed out by the satanic pain ricocheting through his mind.

He groaned as he saw his _shihakusho_ on the floor, crumpled and ungainly-looking. His white captain's _haori_ was draped over the edge of his covers, half on the floor. The bottom hem was closest to him, and through squinty eyes he saw an odd brown stain covering the bottom. He couldn't wear that! And what in the world was the stain _from_, anyway?

He had a horrible feeling that the captain of squad 8, that infernal man Kyoraku, would know the answers to all of Byakuya's questions. He stood – or attempted to stand. His scarf was tied around his legs. He fell over, the pain pounding away through his brain, and laid on the floor for a moment, catching his breath. He then untied his scarf from around his ankles and stood, his horrible balance making him sway slightly, and dressed in his _shihakusho _and scarf. Folding this _haori_ gingerly and holding it at an arm's length from his person, he wobbled over to his closet and hesitantly drew out that horrible pair of sunglasses that Renji had bought for him years ago. He looked in disgust at the heart-shaped lenses, and swallowing bile in his throat, pushed them on his face.

Immediately the pain in his head diminished a little. Keeping his head down in shame, he crossed the room and opened the door.

Thankfully no one was about. Feeling glad of the speed of his _shunpo_, Byakuya wasted no time flashing to the squad 8 barracks, ignoring the pounding in his head at every step. He arrived at Kyoraku's office and immediately crumpled to the floor, holding his forehead in agony. He heard Senbonzakura's amused chuckle reverberate through his mind before he looked up.

Jûshirô Ukitaki and Shunsui Kyoraku were looking down on him with highly amused expressions on their faces. He groaned inwardly.

"HELLO, BYAKUYA!" Kyoraku shouted.

"WE HAD A FEELING YOU MIGHT SHOW UP SOONER OR LATER," Ukitake added at the top of his voice.

"NICE SUNGLASSES," Kyoraku added with a snicker.

Byakuya pressed his hands to his ears, squeezing his eyes closed. "Please. Must you shout?" he croaked, his voice paper-thin and rasping.

Ukitake gave a booming laugh. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CAPTAIN KUCHIKI? THIS IS MY NORMAL TONE! !"

Byakuya pressed his hands harder against the sides of his head. "Silence!" he commanded in a whisper.

Kyoraku sighed loudly. "Humor him, Ukitake," he murmured to his white-haired colleague. "I've got a bit of a hangover myself."

"I'd be surprised if you didn't, considering how drunk you were last night," Ukitake laughed.

_Hangover? Drunk? _Was that what had happened? Byakuya gingerly pried his hands away from his ears and stared at the captains from behind the lenses of his horrible sunglasses.

"Was I actually drunk last night?" he asked in bewilderment.

As Byakuya asked that question, Kyoraku found that he had suddenly developed a mysterious and unknown cough.

"You may want to cover you mouth when you cough, you never know when it could become dangerous or fatal," Ukitake said seriously.

"Answer me!" Byakuya commanded, and then winced at the sound of his own voice.

"No, Byakuya, you were not drunk," Kyoraku said seriously. "You have learned the power of teleporting."

"Teleporting?"

"Yes. It's very simple. All you have to do is consume alcohol until you feel you are about to pass out. Then drink some more and you will magically wake up in your bed!"

"So I was drunk."

"Allow me to show you," said Ukitake gleefully, coming around behind Byakuya and putting his hands on his shoulders. Wide-eyed, Byakuya turned in alarm to see the frail, grinning captain's face.

"Please remove your hands from my person," Byakuya said.

Obediently, Ukitake raised his hands about one centimeter from Byakuya's shoulder. "Kyoraku, you have the tape ready?" he said.

"Yes, old friend," Kyoraku said happily. He walked over to the corner, and Ukitake followed him. Desperate not to be touched by the man, Byakuya moved slightly ahead of him like he was a sheep being herded.

Kyoraku settled him down in front of a wide screen and pressed a button.

"Enjoy," he said, and both the captains sat back to watch the aristocrat's expression.

Byakuya watched as the tape started. Mind reeling, he quickly picked himself out from the crowd. He was holding a bottle made of brown glass. As he watched, he saw himself drop the glass and giggle as the brown liquid inside splashed on the hem of his expensive coat.

_Giggle? ?_

"Oopsie daisy," his drunk self said.

Byakuya turned to the captain's faces, his expression one of pure horror.

At this, Ukitake couldn't help but crack up. He fell over backwards, laughing, while Kyoraku watched him with an amused expression on his face.

Horrified, Byakuya turned back to the television in time to see himself attempt to pop, lock, and drop it. He groaned in horror.

"My career is over," he moaned.

"So, Byakuya," Kyoraku said with a little grin, "wanna go drinking tonight?"

"NO!"

**LOL! Please review!**


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